When a Sibling Is Addicted: The Overlooked Impact

The Forgotten Family Members

When addiction enters a family, the person using substances often becomes the center of attention — not by choice, but by necessity. Parents, partners, and children rally around the crisis, directing their energy toward interventions, treatment decisions, and damage control. In this whirlwind, siblings frequently find themselves pushed to the margins, their own struggles minimized or overlooked entirely.

The sibling experience of addiction is uniquely painful. Unlike parents, siblings did not choose to create the family. Unlike partners, they cannot walk away from the relationship without fundamentally altering their identity. Brothers and sisters share a history, a childhood, and often a deep bond that makes watching addiction destroy someone they love particularly agonizing.

At Trust SoCal in Fountain Valley, we recognize that effective addiction treatment must address the entire family system. Understanding the sibling perspective is an important part of that work, and we encourage siblings to engage in their own healing process alongside their brother or sister's recovery.

Common Emotional Responses Siblings Experience

Siblings of people with addiction carry a complex emotional burden that can be difficult to articulate. Guilt is pervasive — guilt for being the "good" sibling, guilt for feeling resentful, guilt for moving forward with their own lives while their brother or sister spirals. This guilt can be paralyzing, leading siblings to sacrifice their own goals and well-being in misguided attempts to compensate.

Resentment is equally common and equally difficult to acknowledge. Siblings may resent the disproportionate attention their addicted brother or sister receives, the financial strain on the family, the holidays ruined, the promises broken, and the constant state of crisis that dominates family life. Feeling resentful does not make you a bad sibling — it makes you human.

Grief is perhaps the most surprising emotion siblings report. Even when their brother or sister is still alive, siblings mourn the relationship they once had, the person their sibling used to be, and the future they envisioned together. This ambiguous grief — mourning someone who is still present but fundamentally changed — is one of the most psychologically challenging experiences a person can endure.

How Family Dynamics Shift Around Addiction

Addiction reshapes family roles and dynamics in profound ways. In many families, the addicted sibling becomes the "identified patient" — the person around whom all family activity revolves. Other siblings may unconsciously adopt compensatory roles: the overachiever who tries to make up for the family's pain, the peacemaker who smooths over conflicts, or the withdrawn child who tries to become invisible to avoid adding to the burden.

Parents, overwhelmed by the addiction crisis, may unknowingly create a two-tier system within the family. The addicted child receives attention (even if that attention is negative), while other children learn that their needs are secondary. This dynamic can persist long after the addicted sibling enters recovery, creating lasting patterns of inequity that require conscious effort to address.

Siblings may also find themselves thrust into caregiving roles, monitoring their brother or sister's behavior, covering for them, or mediating conflicts between the addicted sibling and parents. These responsibilities are inappropriate for siblings of any age and can lead to burnout, anxiety, and their own mental health challenges.

Setting Boundaries as a Sibling

Setting boundaries with an addicted sibling is one of the most difficult but necessary steps in protecting your own well-being. Boundaries are not about punishing your sibling or withdrawing your love — they are about defining what you will and will not accept in the relationship while maintaining your own mental health.

Start by identifying the specific behaviors that are causing you harm. Perhaps your sibling calls you when they are intoxicated, asks to borrow money, or creates scenes at family gatherings. Once you have identified these patterns, decide what your response will be and communicate it clearly. For example, "I love you, but I will not continue conversations when you are under the influence. I will hang up and we can talk when you are sober."

Expect pushback. Your sibling may accuse you of being unsupportive or not caring. Other family members may pressure you to relax your boundaries. Stay firm. Boundaries that are not maintained are not boundaries — they are suggestions. If you need help establishing and maintaining boundaries, a therapist who specializes in family addiction dynamics can provide invaluable guidance.

Finding Support and Community

You do not have to navigate this alone. Support groups specifically designed for family members of people with addiction can provide the understanding, validation, and practical advice that siblings need. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon offer meetings throughout Orange County and Southern California, and many groups are now available online for those who prefer virtual attendance.

Individual therapy is another powerful resource. A therapist can help you process the complex emotions associated with sibling addiction, develop coping strategies, and work through any codependent patterns that may have developed. Look for therapists who have specific experience with addiction and family systems.

Trust SoCal offers family therapy and family education programs that include siblings. Our clinicians understand the unique challenges siblings face and provide tools and support to help you heal alongside your brother or sister. Contact us at (949) 280-8360 to learn how our family programming can support you.

• Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings in Orange County and online
• Individual therapy with an addiction-informed therapist
• Family therapy programs at treatment centers like Trust SoCal
• Online forums and communities for siblings of people with addiction
• Books and podcasts focused on the sibling experience of addiction

When Your Sibling Enters Recovery

If your sibling enters treatment, you may experience a confusing mix of relief, skepticism, and hope. These feelings are all valid. You have likely been through this before — the promises, the optimism, the eventual disappointment. It is okay to be cautiously hopeful rather than unconditionally enthusiastic.

Recovery is an opportunity to rebuild the sibling relationship, but it takes time and effort from both sides. Family therapy can facilitate this process by providing a structured environment for honest conversations. Your sibling needs to hear how their addiction affected you, and you need to hear about their experience as well. This mutual understanding forms the foundation of a healthier relationship.

Remember that your own healing journey is independent of your sibling's recovery. Even if they relapse, you can continue to grow, set boundaries, and build a fulfilling life. Your well-being is not contingent on their sobriety, and holding onto that truth is one of the most liberating realizations you can have.